Narcissus

外面寒风凛冽，我的水仙花旺盛开放。
cold winter, my flower is blooming like never before.

lower east side

"walk on the wild side" is no more wild.

Words (Between The Lines of Age)

When i entered 495 East Highway, my eyes opened to the infinite red pine tree, on each side, that crowed city behinds me, like the dust on my car, disappeared in the wind. Concentrating, that's all i am, looking to the front, holding the wheel, speeding up... I'm glad i'm out of somewhere other than the city, i didn't miss this, just by watching those leaves, on the tress, by the sideway, in the wind.

Me, minicooper, east highway, in the autumn of 2009, i am glad i made it
all by me.

Chelsea piers

Lately, my only contact to the world, is this stranger opposite who answers me with the same music, who is he? what is he like? one morning I set out to find him, but i changed my mind. It's better not to know ... and to imagine. A loner like me...

Everything happened so fast! The suspicious pain, my persistence in wanting to find out... to know... and then the darkness, the silence around me, the silence.

Everything seemed to say that before the winter was over, with the ethereal silhouettes of the ships, outlined against a sudden break in the clouds, lovers strolling on the water front at sunset, and the deception promise of spring. Everything seemed to say that before the winter was over, my only regret, Anna, is it my only regret? is that i never finished anything, my plan remained just that, words scattered here and there...

- Theodoros Angelopoulos, Eternity of A Day

not yet tibet

Yes, i was here

Edge of Tibet

Beijing

Beijing is not exciting at all.
Weather is ok, abit warmer than NY;
Air is dry, mixed with dust.
Fog, I can't see very far, white fog always surrounded.
Trees, all different kinds, on each side of street. Leaves are covered with dust, that green is grey green.
People are talking loud, really loud, in the bus, in the subway. Conversation about "business".
Big big crane everywhere, under construction, destruction.
It's just messy.

I want to upload pictures, but blogger's website is even blocked.
I have to use some special sever to enter some "sensitive" websites such as blogger.

I am living in China now, yes, i am here.
and here, is my real home.

Smile

Summer is so slow, that is just slowly killing me.

Visitors barely come to gallery today. Finally, here is one, i make a big smiling face, he smiles me back, i keep smiling. I am the face of this gallery, i remember what directors told me, and I am doing my best. SMILE, Always SMILE. ah...i feel the contraction of my muscle on the face. I smiled too much, i guess, my muscle is not collaborating with me.
Ok, he is gone, good, I am alone here again, no need to pretend i am a happy receptionist, i can just be myself.

So, I keep sitting here like a stone, no eating, no drinking, no bathroom, and talking, no moving.
Thorsten called me twice in an hour, asking whether i am ok, whether i need to take a walk outside.
I said, No, Thanks. I like to sit here like a stone.
You amazed me today, Thorsten said to me at the end of the day.
We both laughed. 

Peace and prosperity, that two words, with Thorsten's cheering voice, he always talks to me with one hand up before he leave for the gallery.

I answered him with a big frozen smile.
SMILE, YES, I lOVE SMILING.

Underneath, It just feel like died, died, so died.

Another good friend just got fired recently, She is trying hard to find a new job now, thinking of whether she should still stays in NY. I hate this feeling that life is in other's hand, with no control over.
I am telling her, this is a good news for you, you were not happy at work anyways.
She smiled on the phone, that sentense surely comforted her, but we both know that comforting wouldn't last long.

I remembered I once went to a lecture, by a famous Chinese artist, Cai Guoqiang (the gun powder and firework guy), in the end of interview, a person asked him,
Why you like to live in New York?
Because New York makes anyone famous back to normal. He answered, with a big satisfied proud smile, lifting his small head, looking at the audiances, those glittering eyes look up to him with full of admiring.

I GOSHED at the back in my little corner, surely, NY is for someone famous just like him, not for struggling poor individule like me.

Anyways, days are passing by, people are passing by and stories are passing by. I am still sitting in front of the gallery, smiling to strangers, hiding at the front desk, writing those unknow little stories.

you and me

Arizona Dream

Axel Blackmar: What do you think?
Grace Stalker: About what?
Axel Blackmar: About us kind of belonging together?
Grace Stalker: What about this lamp? You think Paul will like this lamp?
Axel Blackmar: Yea, he'll-he'll love it. What do you think?
Grace Stalker: I think two wrong don't make a right.
Axel Blackmar: Meaning what?
Grace Stalker: Meaning us: two wrongs.
Axel Blackmar: What if we're not? What if we're two rights and everybody else is wrong?
Grace Stalker: Either way we're gonna be screwed, Axel.
Axel Blackmar: But at least we can be screwed together

can't wait

Slow, very slow, everything is in slow motion under the heat.
Me, even slower. I forgot security code this morning when i entered gallery,which caused a bit disturbance. What am i thinking?
I just can't wait to leave here, i am so sick and tired of this city, this work, and weather...everything is wrong.
I need fresh air
I need fresh people
I need fresh mind

Tokyo, you are shining under the blue sky and clearer air
I just can't wait.

Truism

A sincere effort is all you can ask

Ambivalence can ruin your life

Anger or hate can be a useful motivating force

At times your unconsciousness is truer than your conscious mind

Being happy is more important than anything else

Being judgement is a sign of life

Being sure of yourself means you are a fool

Don't place too much trust in experts

Drama often obscures the real issues

Emotional response are as valuable as intellectual response

Enjoy yourself because you can't change anything else anyway

Everyone's work is equally important

Faithfulness is a social not a biological law

Freedom is a luxury not a necessity

Giving free rein to your emotions is an honest way to live

Going with the flow is soothing but risky

Guilt and self-laceration are indulgence

Hiding your emotions is despicable

If you have many desires your life will be interesting

Ignoring enemies is the best way to fight

In some instances it's better to die than continue

It's a gift to the world not to have babies

It's better to be alone than to be with inferior people

It's better to be naive than jaded

Knowing yourself let you understand others

Moral are for little people

Most people are not fit to rule themselves

Often you should act you are sexless

Old friends are better to left in the past

Pain can be very positive thing

People are nuts if they think they are important

People are boring unless they are extremists

Push yourself as often as possible

Romantic love was invented to manipulate woman

Selfishness is the most basic motivation

Selfishness is the highest achievement

The cruelest disappointment is when you let yourself down

The most profound things are inexpressible

Thinking to much can only cause problems

Wishing things away is not effective

Words tend to be inadequate

You can't expect people to be something they are not

You don't know what's what until you support yourself

You have to hurt others to be extraordinary

----My selection from Jenny Holzer, " Truism", 1977 -

One day on an island

There is this Chinese Scholar Garden in Staten Island, i went during the weekend, it was actually nicer than i expected. The architecture and planning is a replica of the typical garden in Suzhou. Chinese style framed window, pavilion, river and bridge, Chinese scholar rock. It is interesting to see such a place in an island in NY.
While i was walking around the garden, there were this Chinese couple shooting their wedding photos in the garden, it was sweet, but i was wondering why are they wearing the white western wedding gown in the Chinese style garden? strange to me...


I sit on one of the small pavilion by the man-made river and bridged, imaging myself living in the old time, playing chess, drinking wine with friends, enjoying the summer sun and breeze. I once even confused time and place. I could actually be anywhere, biological existence is no longer important.

Sunshine, rightbefore the sunset is the most charming and enchanting time of the day. It brings dimension to the world, it highlights our life.
Broken tree looks surreal, dead flower leaves are poetic. Don't you think so? or it's just me?



I don't have that conceptual thought like JD Sanlinger's "Catcher in the Rye", but this reminds me of the scene where he stands by the edge of the crazy cliff, and looking after the young and small kids who are running, in the field of rye and all.
The boat is approaching, Manhattan island looks like a miniature from far, stands between the ocean and sky. I don't want to imaging the densely packed crowd, the high-rise building, the scattered words here and there. I rather enjoy the beauty from the distance...

Time Square

"Suddenly I found myself on Times Square. I had traveled eight thousand miles around the American continent and I was back on Times Square; and right in the middle of a rush hour, too, seeing with my innocent road-eyes the absolute madness and fantastic hoorair of New York with its millions and millions hustling forever for a buck among themselves, the mad dream—grabbing, taking, giving, sighing, dying, just so they could be buried in those awful cemetery cities beyond Long Island City."

---- Jack Kerouac "On the Road"

看图说话

It's interesting, about picture, the object you choose to take, reflect different thoughts.

During the Memorial weekend, Jiankun and I walked around Queens, and of course him as a professional pictorial teller, me with my new addiction, taking pictures was a major thing we did along the way. I had tasted some professional photographer's equipment by using his medium format Mamiya RZ67. Holding this heavy machine, scrolling the focus, changing the aperture, when everything is ready to go, that second when i press the shutter, that sound, the bright sound, have a such strong impact  of capture that moment; i imagine the object is pressed on the negative, the moment is frozen.

Here are some picture taken by both of us, so different, yet so similar.

I stand by the gate, looking inside, everyone is narrowed in a such limited space.

(Mamiya RZ67, Kodak Film 800) by Les

At this same playground, Jiankun went all the way inside, and took this empty toy car, a sense of recalling the childhood, but in a such isolated perspective...

(Leica, Dlux 4) by Jiankun

Same location, same time, but the object we chose were so different...

Anyhow, here is one more what we did, but coincidentally, it is so similar in a way,

(Mamiya RZ67, Kodak Film 800) by Les

(Leica, Dlux 4) by Jiankun

This is why i like taking picture, it is full of adventures and surprises.

他too

i do my thing, and  you do your thing
i am not in this world to live up to your expectations
and you are not in this world to live up to mine
you are you and i am i
and if by chance we find each other it's beautiful
if not,it can't be helped

——psychologist Fritz Perls

Mr. Narcissus

Ta too,

他， 还是她?

还是 Tattoo?

more black and white

Night at Bryant Park.

black and white

Two different exposure time during the dark room, which one do you like better?
I like the second one, although this one seem abit under exposed and less contrast,
and the fiber paper is actually out of date (more than five years), the result is unexpected.

梦话

五年前， 生活在一个宁静的小城

那时总是想要生活强烈些

所以以理想中的状态去追求那种生活

直到最终的虚空

五年后，生活在这样绚丽多姿的城市

反而只是想要生活的简简单单

可是偏偏遇到那些不愿平庸生活的人

让我好像也跟着傻痴傻笑

幻觉，现实，我已经可以清楚的划清界限

可是理智 感性在心中不停的交替

我没有办法再跟着感觉去生活

在这样的艳阳天

我已经学会抑制

四月天

人间的四月天

短崭，所以绚丽。

one random rainy day

How hard do you have to try to make someone remembers you.
I mean forever.

Modelo and white roses

I am busy organizing my new home now, and i am loving it, more and more.

I think roses is perfect match with beer bottle, isn't it?
House warming party is coming up, prepare yourself with an empty stomach so you can fill up as much as Modelo you can ever have.

one thing you should know

One thing you should know during swine influenza, is that
you shouldn't kiss pig.

moving

I'm about to die,
10mm away from it.

Holga

I love Holga.

Holga makes me surprised, i realize i could do so much with Holga camera.


Today's dark room made me so frustrate. I feel like forgetting all the technique i learned in the past, and prof. didn't try much effort to explain, not productive. I had three rolls of film prepared, time was so limited...

flowers

I finally saw cherry blossom at Botanic Garden, it was pretty, especially with the sunset.

I face the sun, feel the spring breeze, it was a lovely day.

photo shooting night

Haha, don't laugh, it was my photo shooting day.

Because of my dark room class at ICP, i want to prepare enough negatives before class,  so I chose my first project - Time Square at night.

YJ kindly joined me, and it was fun to have him with me.

Before meeting yj, i went to B&H, bought 4 rolls of film with different ISO, brought two different lens (28mm, and 90mm), and my new Holga camera, put into my backpack, wore the jacket, fully prepared, ready to go!

Time Square,  night light makes me dizzy, a boy was shouting on the street, "Obama condom, Obama condom...", i looked at him, smiled and admired his enthusiasm, and i offered to take a picture of him, it was a good starting point for me.

After Time Square, we walked to Bryant park, I started to get really involved into the state of as a photographer. Every ordinary daily object became lovely; trash bags lining on the street, street light with trees of the green leaves, empty benches on the sidewalks...

One scene came up to my head, the movie Amator by Krzysztof Kieslowski where the main actor was obsessed with filming at one time, and when he fought his wife, he crossed his finger and trying to frame the leaving scene of his wife... and i guess it was me at that moment, hehe, totally obsessed with every single object i saw under of dizzy night light. 

I guess no matter what the result is, my enthusiasm, energy was enough. 

Isn't that all as an artist?! 

Here are some my favorite pic taken by YJ, i have to say, he has a unique way of looking at the world, and he will be a great director someday.haha.

(And, of course, mine will come up soon...)

two on one

This is interesting.
I was trying double exposure, and i didn't mean to put these two parts together, but the result is unexpected.
I should also try it with black and white film.

By the way, that picture is me and Evan, in front of my front desk. We took awhile ago, and it is autographed by both of us (so we can sell it when we both famous someday, an old kids joke), and Evan wrote underneath the image " ahead of the curves"...

raining

and today, it is raining.

I had my first dark room class after 4 years

it was still fun

pear tree

This is pear tree.

Everyday, on my way to work, on 25th street between 8th Ave and 11th Ave, lined with pear tree. April is the time for pear flower to bloom, it is as white as snow, very beauta-ful~