Beijing

Beijing is not exciting at all.
Weather is ok, abit warmer than NY;
Air is dry, mixed with dust.
Fog, I can't see very far, white fog always surrounded.
Trees, all different kinds, on each side of street. Leaves are covered with dust, that green is grey green.
People are talking loud, really loud, in the bus, in the subway. Conversation about "business".
Big big crane everywhere, under construction, destruction.
It's just messy.

I want to upload pictures, but blogger's website is even blocked.
I have to use some special sever to enter some "sensitive" websites such as blogger.

I am living in China now, yes, i am here.
and here, is my real home.

Smile

Summer is so slow, that is just slowly killing me.

Visitors barely come to gallery today. Finally, here is one, i make a big smiling face, he smiles me back, i keep smiling. I am the face of this gallery, i remember what directors told me, and I am doing my best. SMILE, Always SMILE. ah...i feel the contraction of my muscle on the face. I smiled too much, i guess, my muscle is not collaborating with me.
Ok, he is gone, good, I am alone here again, no need to pretend i am a happy receptionist, i can just be myself.

So, I keep sitting here like a stone, no eating, no drinking, no bathroom, and talking, no moving.
Thorsten called me twice in an hour, asking whether i am ok, whether i need to take a walk outside.
I said, No, Thanks. I like to sit here like a stone.
You amazed me today, Thorsten said to me at the end of the day.
We both laughed. 

Peace and prosperity, that two words, with Thorsten's cheering voice, he always talks to me with one hand up before he leave for the gallery.

I answered him with a big frozen smile.
SMILE, YES, I lOVE SMILING.

Underneath, It just feel like died, died, so died.

Another good friend just got fired recently, She is trying hard to find a new job now, thinking of whether she should still stays in NY. I hate this feeling that life is in other's hand, with no control over.
I am telling her, this is a good news for you, you were not happy at work anyways.
She smiled on the phone, that sentense surely comforted her, but we both know that comforting wouldn't last long.

I remembered I once went to a lecture, by a famous Chinese artist, Cai Guoqiang (the gun powder and firework guy), in the end of interview, a person asked him,
Why you like to live in New York?
Because New York makes anyone famous back to normal. He answered, with a big satisfied proud smile, lifting his small head, looking at the audiances, those glittering eyes look up to him with full of admiring.

I GOSHED at the back in my little corner, surely, NY is for someone famous just like him, not for struggling poor individule like me.

Anyways, days are passing by, people are passing by and stories are passing by. I am still sitting in front of the gallery, smiling to strangers, hiding at the front desk, writing those unknow little stories.

you and me

Arizona Dream

Axel Blackmar: What do you think?
Grace Stalker: About what?
Axel Blackmar: About us kind of belonging together?
Grace Stalker: What about this lamp? You think Paul will like this lamp?
Axel Blackmar: Yea, he'll-he'll love it. What do you think?
Grace Stalker: I think two wrong don't make a right.
Axel Blackmar: Meaning what?
Grace Stalker: Meaning us: two wrongs.
Axel Blackmar: What if we're not? What if we're two rights and everybody else is wrong?
Grace Stalker: Either way we're gonna be screwed, Axel.
Axel Blackmar: But at least we can be screwed together

can't wait

Slow, very slow, everything is in slow motion under the heat.
Me, even slower. I forgot security code this morning when i entered gallery,which caused a bit disturbance. What am i thinking?
I just can't wait to leave here, i am so sick and tired of this city, this work, and weather...everything is wrong.
I need fresh air
I need fresh people
I need fresh mind

Tokyo, you are shining under the blue sky and clearer air
I just can't wait.

Truism

A sincere effort is all you can ask

Ambivalence can ruin your life

Anger or hate can be a useful motivating force

At times your unconsciousness is truer than your conscious mind

Being happy is more important than anything else

Being judgement is a sign of life

Being sure of yourself means you are a fool

Don't place too much trust in experts

Drama often obscures the real issues

Emotional response are as valuable as intellectual response

Enjoy yourself because you can't change anything else anyway

Everyone's work is equally important

Faithfulness is a social not a biological law

Freedom is a luxury not a necessity

Giving free rein to your emotions is an honest way to live

Going with the flow is soothing but risky

Guilt and self-laceration are indulgence

Hiding your emotions is despicable

If you have many desires your life will be interesting

Ignoring enemies is the best way to fight

In some instances it's better to die than continue

It's a gift to the world not to have babies

It's better to be alone than to be with inferior people

It's better to be naive than jaded

Knowing yourself let you understand others

Moral are for little people

Most people are not fit to rule themselves

Often you should act you are sexless

Old friends are better to left in the past

Pain can be very positive thing

People are nuts if they think they are important

People are boring unless they are extremists

Push yourself as often as possible

Romantic love was invented to manipulate woman

Selfishness is the most basic motivation

Selfishness is the highest achievement

The cruelest disappointment is when you let yourself down

The most profound things are inexpressible

Thinking to much can only cause problems

Wishing things away is not effective

Words tend to be inadequate

You can't expect people to be something they are not

You don't know what's what until you support yourself

You have to hurt others to be extraordinary

----My selection from Jenny Holzer, " Truism", 1977 -